Words of Self-Love
Carolyn Dunne Repp 
"I love myself."
It ought to be a simple phrase. It appears often in affirmation scripts, and we're told to repeat those affirmations so often that, eventually, they become our new reality. We finally believe them, and they become a part of who we are.
But, "I love myself"? That one isn't so simple.
We all struggle with it periodically--or even our whole lives. It's challenging to feel love for ourselves because we know every flaw we have, every mistake we've made, every harsh word we've spoken, since we were old enough to judge ourselves. There isn't a single person who sees all of it except ourselves. And sometimes (okay, maybe most of the time) we think that another person could never really love us if they did have the full picture.
People come and go throughout our lives, which, fortunately, means each one sees only parts of us. It feels more believable that someone who doesn't know it all can love us. They never get the full story, so there's less to forgive, or overlook, or simply accept as our quirkiness. But us? We've seen it all, lived it all--and endured the consequences. When we add it all up, can we really say, "I love myself"?
Yet, we're told the only way to be whole, and live our lives fully, and love others to the best of our ability, is to love ourselves first.
Well . . . damn.
Where does that leave us, knowing all the seemingly negative things about ourselves but being required to feel only positive about it? (It leads to shadow work, actually, but I'm not here to talk about that.)
I went through a period toward the end of the pandemic that, to be honest, I'm still healing out of. Not only did I find myself completely alone as far as close relationships are concerned (family, friends, romantic partner, you name it) but I felt like I deserved it. Choices I'd made had led me a large part of the way there, and circumstances outside my control brought my isolation full circle.
I'd learned enough by then to know the only way forward was to start with myself: Loving myself would, in time, bring me into loving relationships with others again. But how could I love myself when I knew all my faults and had chosen unwisely at times (and in varying degrees) throughout my 50+ years, making me feel as flawed and unlovable as I did then?
Affirming "I love myself" daily wasn't the answer. All the repetition in the world would never make me believe it at that moment.
During that time, I was hanging on the words of self-worth speakers and spiritual leaders, hoping for tips and practices that could help. I was so grateful to finally come across one of them who shared a short meditation that started with an affirmation I could actually accept as truth and vocalize:
"I am open to love for myself."
Even that was difficult to speak in those days, because hating myself had developed into my new set point. But I could spy a glimmer of light in the distance that was, if not current self-love, the possibility of entertaining it someday.
From then on, whenever I started getting caught in the loop of nightmares repeating in my waking mind, I would meditate with the set of affirmations presented by Humble The Poet. In the beginning, I made it a daily practice (multiple times on particularly rough days), often with tears of resistance blurring my vision until, at some point in the months that followed, the affirmations cracked my heart open just enough to allow a tiny bit of myself to flow in.
From time to time I can now manage a full-on self-love affirmation without a stutter, but more often than not, "I am open to love for myself" trips more comfortably off my tongue. I've thankfully progressed to a level at which I can accept those gateway words as good enough, rather than berating myself for not being able to truly love myself that day.
Maybe the possibility of being open to love for yourself is all you need right now, too?
The meditation from Humble The Poet can be found at the following link. Start at time marker 3:33 if you want to skip the introductory remarks.
https://open.spotify.com/episo...
Categories: : acceptance, meditation, self-love, worthy